What the gossip mags say

What the gossip mags say

Married on screen and off … Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in a scene from Mr & Mrs Smith.BRAD PITT and Angelina Jolie stand in their wedding finery, gazing lovingly at each other, clearly just counting down the seconds until they can run off and do what newlyweds do (raid the minibar and bitch about the catering), but what exactly is going on here? Has New Idea pulled off the coup of the century, landing wedding photos from Hollywood’s king and queen before everyone else? Well, yes and no. Actually it’s pretty much no. They are the real actors and they are at the altar, but the pics are from seven years ago when the pair played a married couple in Mr and Mrs Smith. Apparently, the shots ”we were never meant to see” have just surfaced, sending a distraught Jennifer Aniston ”right back to 2005” and giving a clever pic editor the chance to pull some sleight of hand.

Which is better than what Aniston’s father is planning if her new man Justin Theroux ever breaks her heart. ”Make sure he treats you right,” Woman’s Day is somehow claiming to have overheard him say, ”because I can still throw a left hook if he steps out of line!”

It’s strangely not dissimilar to what they reckon the Queen (yes the Queen, as in Elizabeth II) has done to Kate Middleton, ordering her to curtsey to Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie in a secret memo. ”She’s hurt,” royal stalker Bill Coles said. ”But she has just taken her medicine and kept quiet.” Until such time as her husband ascends the throne, we imagine. Then they’ll be bowing so low those ridiculous hats will be a danger to passing corgis.

Away from royalty, both real and screen, there’s titillation galore this week. Who has a loved-up Lara Bingle echoing her ex Michael Clarke who memorably said he ”couldn’t be happier” at his recent wedding to Kyly Boldy. Yeah? Lara says, well I’ve ”never been happier” than with new bloke Gareth Moody. Zing!

And NW has the most horrific (and therefore unmissable) photos of celebrities who have made poor surgery decision in years. There’s Tara Reid’s ”frowny face” stomach, Joan Rivers’s asymmetrical eyes and worst of all, ’80s pop star Pete Burns lips, which apparently burst from over filling.

But nowhere to be seen in the (admittedly small sampling of four) magazines we trawled through was mention of the TomKat split. Despite weeks of predictions that Katie Holmes would leave husband Tom Cruise and take daughter Suri with her, the actual announcement caught just about everyone post-deadline, leaving this prime piece of gossip untouched. For now.

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